Toothbrush and Underpants

3 days before leaving, i got some excellent advice: 'get some vaccinations before you leave.' so i stopped in at my local travel clinic, and had a nice talk with the doc. he said i'm gonna get sick. ima get the runs, but that's ok cause all i have to do is bring enough immodium for 8 months. but if my 'poopy' (clinical term) has blood in it, that means i have dysentery. so he wrote me a prescription for cipro that'll be good for 3 spells. so if i want to drink water, and i do, i'll have to put up with faucet butt.

moving onto food. i like food...but i don't like hepatitis A. luckily, there's a vaccine for that one and i got it. but it won't be all that effective cause i think i needed more than one. oh and i should stay away from chicken because it might be infected with bird flu. luckily, i'm human.

ok so food and water are out. what about pets. not to eat, although i hear it's popular, but to ummm pet.
"nope, rabies."
i said, "god damn jews."
"no 'rabies' not 'rabbis'."
oh, cujo-style...that means i should run like hell if i see any stray dogs, cats, bats, rats, or other mats. especially if they 'have that crazy look in their eye.' sal, i've been thinking about it and i think you should get checked for rabies...

he says, 'ok, now mosquitos...they carry malaria.'
'MALARIA SHMALARIA! i don't care about an itchy bug bite...my whole body gets covered in poison ivy once a year. shit, a little itch never killed me befo.'
'you never had to scratch the inside of your liver before.'
'i know of only one thing that can scratch that.'
'actually there are 3: bla bla bla, bla bla bla, and mefloquine which has the strangest side effects of the 3...'
'what's that.'
'possible psychological breakdown along with vivid nightmares, if you can get past the insomnia.'
'wait...did you say 'side-effect'? cause that's...nevermind. i'll go with the last one.'
so in addition to taking crazy pills i should bring 'as many cans of 100% DEET bug spray as possible,' 'avoid going out at night,' and get a mosquito net for my bed. but i figure it will just be easier to walk around in a beekeeper's suit and a fly-swatter.

so that's it as far as the things i can see wanna kill me. but i can still breathe right? i find it refreshing. breathing is nice.
'not if you wanna die.'
'but i have to.'
'with every breath you're basically throwing a free kegger in your lungs for typhoid fever, japanese encephalitis, sars, any number of flu variations, and polio.'
'i thought polio was gone forever.'
'In 'nam, nothing is forever.'
'...what does that mean?'
[(POKE)]
'there, you're covered for polio you crybaby'
'what about the others?'
'you'll be fine. oh yeah, by the way, don't have sex. whatever you do.

DO.

NOT.


DO.




IT.'

2 days til departure.