Potty Mouth

i've gotten in the nasty habit of using dirty words here. not that i spoke as if i was a choir boy back home, but here it doesn't matter if every other word is a 'fuck' or a 'shit' or a 'cunt-licking monkey sac' or a 'lice-picking rice patty nigger.' i'm sure they just assume i'm commenting on their excellent driving skills, or thanking them for that always delicious dish of mystery meat. but the purpose of this entry isn't to levy stereotypical derogatory comments against the vietnamese, it's to ask a simple question.

the word for toilet in vietnamese is 'toilet.'

now to me, this means that when the best shittiest invention ever made was first brought into this country, there wasn't one word that approximated the word 'toilet.' nothing even resembling a poopy facility. i have no idea when the toilet first perplexed the vietnamese, but i do know that the modern toilet may, or may not have been, invented by an englishman named Thomas Crapper. i'd like to declare now that if this is true, if a man named Crapper really did invent 'the crapper,' then there is a God and he's awesome but if not, then there is no God and no one's life has any meaning...not mine, not yours, and most of all, not Tommy Crap's.

anyway, as far as i know, the majority of the population still wipes their ass with their hand. jesus christ. now i could be way off on this one because no one i've met here in saigon has smelled of stool (of other things for sure but not poo), but i know that outside the major cities it's a whole other story. either way, for the purpose of this entry let me assume that most vietnamese have at some point in their lives scooped poop out of their butt, which is something i think most americans have never done. the worst an american might have to deal with is making an emergency stop at a dirty gas station, and i can almost guarantee you that that gas station will at least have a faucet, which here, is sometimes replaced with a bucket filled with water. personally i'd rather flush the toilet and swish my hands around in there.

which brings me to my next point: napkins

what the hell is so hard about leaving a piece of paper next to my plate for me to wipe my hands on as i'm eating. the only places i've been to that respect the virtues of the napkin have all been popular expat restaurants. none of the native vietnamese restaurants hand out napkins, and i'm pretty sure that there is no word in the language that means napkin, not even 'napkin.' though they do give you a wet wash cloth to wipe your face and presumably whatever else needs wiping, i don't care because it's not the same, and some restaurants have even made me pay for it. so if i could leave one lasting legacy in vietnam it would be to liberate the napkins from the tyranny of ummm communism. if only napkins could be made from rice.

ok so here it is: if many vietnamese still clean their ass with their hand, but also use their hands to wipe their mouth after eating, then is it still fair to say that i'm the one with the potty mouth?