Scatology, Matology, and S'mother Bullshit

thank you all for your concern for the well-being of my bowels, but there's nothing to worry bout. at first i was cautious, but now i just don't give a shit. example: i'm typing this on a dirty, sticky, most likely disease-ridden keyboard with ants crawling around the monitor while i eat a tuna sandwich with fries. fingers on keyboard...fingers on fries...fries in mouth. mmmmmmm.... rung ning, bitches. ['rung ning' is phoenetically delicious.] ok, now: fingers on keyboard...fingers on tuna sandwich...sandwich to mouth, oops! some tuna fell out the side...can't waste that. down the hatch. oh shit there was some mayo on that piece of tuna and now it's on my fingers and there're no napkins around (more on this phenomenon later). better lick that shit clean. mmmmmm....rung fucking ning. and trust me, if this keyboard were biological it would have died of something long ago.

so yeah, i've surrendered, but the war is still being waged inside my body. white blood cells against the foreign plagues and i assure you democracy, i mean immunity, is on the march, and anyone who says otherwise is only emboldening the enemy. ['embolden,' by the way, looks like a shoe-in for my 'word of the year' award. last year's was 'weapons of mass destruction' (WMD) and the year before that was 'terrorism,' for various reasons.] my awesome american antibodies are kicking the shit out of charlie. you can continue with the metaphor if you'd like (picture tiny little viruses shouting in gook-talk just before a big fat white blood cell swallows a whole platoon...no really, do it), but i don't want to offend anyone.

ok so in vietnam, almost every meal involves 'mystery meats.' i don't discriminate and i'm generally willing to try just about anything... but some of it is really bad. i think i had some liver yesterday at a buffet, but that's just an assumption because it tasted like shit, and i assume liver has a smidgen of a shit taste, being in the digestive tract and all. the organs that produce shit taste like shit, no surprise there. so the only dish i'd be really unwilling to try is 'crap hot-pot,' an entree on the menu of a restaurant mike took us to. while i'm 99% certain it's supposed to be 'carp hot-pot,' this is something i'm just not taking any chances with. ("yeah, i'm a 'no' on the crap hot-pot but do you still have the fried field rat?")

so enough scatology, and don't sweat the matology because it's all bullshit.

'mout.