Resolution 1: 2005 Will Be My Bitch

i have one and only one resolution for the new year, and that is to make 2005 my bitch.

now you may be wondering how i plan on subjugating the moments of time from 12:00 am jan 1, 2005 to 11:59 pm december 31, 2005 to the desires of my whimsy, but first just know that my disrespectful attitude towards this coming year stems largely from the transgressions of previous years. for example, 2001 straight up ignored me for the most part and, and then 2002 punk'd me by telling me it's cool if i just smoke weed and sleep all day... then i thought i'd run up behind 2003 and bitch slap it across the back of its fat head, but it kicked me in the balls - several times if i remember correctly - and i don't, because that was the year i added mushrooms to my dish of life.

2004 made a grand entrance with kenny quagmire ripping his own christmas tree down, smashing those ornaments like they were 2003 all over his rug. i thought that was cool, so i gave 2004 a high five as it strolled through the front door, agreeing to get my life in order if it just let me graduate from nyu. it did, and then i sat around all summer thinking about what i could do to perpetuate the responsibility-free lifestyle of the past 4 years without getting a real job and without continuing my education. the sage year replied, "yo, just go to 'nam." i said, "vietnam? how the hell does that solve any of my problems? quit the crazy talk and get me a beer... hmmm well, if i step on a landmine that would probably mean i wouldn't have to get a job but - do you have a bottle opener, thanks - but what if it sucks?" "what if i take a crap on your face while you sleep, huh? so what? there's nothing you can do about it... c'mon." i gave it no more than a swig's worth of thought. "...you had me at "c'mon."

so i decided to trust the year that had previously persuaded me to parade around for a while with a mohawk, and had convinced me that it'd be cool if i borrowed blatt's car to drive upstate for the weekend, but then robbed it of oil and set it on fire while i watched incredulously as 2004 laughed maniacally. that year was a little nutty if you ask me, but i have respect for it nonetheless. and it was the same year that showed me what would happen if i didn't take charge of my life, pointing apathetically, unmockingly at my lazy alcoholic, TV-holed, comfortably ruined uncle chris, and then swung its large arm around to the other side of the planet, index finger still extended, and motioned towards this sliver of communist-controlled land in southeast asia they call vietnam.

so here i am, teaching the only thing i know enough about to qualify me to pass on to others: english. it's satisfying work, not deeply, but more so than say calculating the marginal increases in third quarter fixed costs. in addition to the fact that teachers are held in relatively high regard here, the kids are just as fascinated by foreigners as everyone else, if not more so, because they've had less actual interactions with us and know us mostly from the glossy effigies they see of us on tv. as far as teaching goes i'll simply say that i find it empowering to have an audience of people looking to you for instructions and relying on your knowledge. everyday my objectives are clear and a successful day is effected by no one but myself. i am constantly improving and, as long as i have an obstacle to overcome, i'm happy.

luckily, obstacles are not hard to come by here. and since most of them involve my inability to communicate with the majority of people who live here, my biggest challenge will be learning to speak the language. while this would be an accomplishment unto itself, to be honest, my true motive is simply to be able to kick it to the vietnamese hotties that seem to multiply everyday. but exchanging stares is so 2004, it's time to woo, and i think this will be much easier to do once i can translate, "gimme some suga, sweetcakes." it's well-known that women find this phrase absolutely irresistible and once i master the vietnamese equivalent i'll be beating them back with a stick. as i make progress towards this ambitious goal, it will be easier and easier to make 2005 reply, "yes, massa" to all my vietnamese commands. mark my words: i will learn to speak vietnamese in 2005.

but even if i can't, i'm still positive that this year will have purple knees come december. how do i know for sure that 2005 will be my bitch? well right now, it's 2 in the morning and i'm sitting on the rooftop terrace of my house, in my torn khaki abercrombie shorts and a white 'flint' t-shirt, thinking about how absurdly nice my life has been here and wishing you guys could share in my experiences out here in a more direct way than by reading this blog. but it's the best i can do, and it's something i'll continue to work hard at. and since linda discovered that certain parts of the house have wireless reception to our neighbor thao ly's network, (pronounced "towellie," to her unwitting indifference as well as mine. whoever the fuck you are, though, thanks.) i should be updating more often again, which i hope you'll enjoy. that and the addition of pictures which will now accompany the stories on the site.

happy new year and the best of luck to you all in making it your bitch. 'mout.

- one thing, happy birthday to devon (Jan. 1). hope you're good.