War Is Over

i was running and panting and sweating and screaming, all in hysterical desperation, when i made a magnificent realization that rejuvenated my joviality, inflating both my ego and the suit i was wearing to larger than life proportions: no one had ever done what i was doing just then. i was certain of it. and then i looked back through the ridiculously oversized sunglasses i was wearing at the dozen or so kids chasing me with their mouths wide open as if they were trying to swallow the sheer cheerful air trailing me, and chucked a few packs of chewing gum their way as i stuffed my pillow-stomach back up into my red-cloaked abdomen and gleefully proclaimed through white cotton whiskers a chuc mung giang sinh to the cute vietnamese girl seated on the back of her boyfriend's motorbike i was running alongside.

you can crumple my last post and throw it in the garbage bag overflowing with torn segemented superficial sentiments because what i experienced this past christmas eve has completely changed the way i feel about christmas here and the vietnamese people in general. i have absolutely never in my entire life seen so many people smile at me. it's impossible to convey to the reader what 8 hours of smiles, laughter, and goodwill from people you'd expect to spit on you is like, but i'll simply say that i woke up christmas morning pulling confetti out of my hair and laughing my ass off.

having missed out on the high jinks of halloween and wanting to avoid any wallowing about missing my family and friends, i decided it would be a good idea to dress up like santa and show'em how we do in america. except in america, nobody but drunk mall santa pedophiles sitting on their fat-asses and salvation army volunteers politely ringing a bell to politely beg for polite money put on the big red suit for christmas. and they're rarely foreigners and they're even less likely to run around the city handing out an estimated $100 in candy. and america isn't a developing country and it isn't run by communists.

check out dave's blog for the play-by-play and i'll try to fill in the rest and do some color commentating. but first just let me inform you that in vietnam, for whatever reason, christmas is celebrated on the 24th. they are well aware that jesus's birthday isn't until the following day, but they'd all much rather forego what's "right," forget the snow white, and gather together out on the streets under the colorful lights of a warm christmas eve night. and who can blame them.

so the fun began when dave entered lucky's around 9 donning that jolly old fat man's suit, and when the girls saw him their faces all cracked horizontally with grins that pushed their cheeks up and squished their skinny joyful eyes. despite searching absolutely everywhere i could think, i was unable to find the holiday globe (or even an indefinite article qualified holiday globe) i had originally intended for them. so i settled on a couple of fish whose names i declared were rudolph the red-tailed fish and frosty the snowfish. they didn't understand the names but were thankful nonetheless, and i let them know that if and when they died (most likely sooner than later) i'd eat them. MMMMMmmmmmmm-erry christmas! i hopped into the suit and we were out.

that initial street scene is well documented in dave's blog, but just one quick note. the only run in with the law came when dave was in the suit and we got split up. i found myself surrounded in a tiny alleyway by at least 15 onlookers and about 5 or 6 gum-selling munchkin-sharks, who at first we couldn't find anywhere but who quickly caught on to the potential profits and swarmed to us like we were chum. i was desperately trying to negotiate a reasonable price for a box of 20, when a couple of police officers showed up. one came over to me and demanded i buy at least one (not sure if he meant one pack or one box) and i told him i wanted to buy all the gum these kids had. i thought he'd be a dick about it but he was actually quite helpful, ensuring everyone a fair transaction. with all the antics that ensued this night not once did the police ever hassle us which, at the time, bolstered my respect for them, but an incident that occurred the following day mitigated this veneration and i'll talk about that some other time.

we met up once again and ducked into a small indian restaurant to avoid the herd of rabid kids. after a coke and a breather we exchanged santa privileges, and i hit the street once again (having my aforementioned revelation). we had to leave the backpacker area because all the street kids were repackaging the gum we gave them and trying to sell it back to us. what do they think, santa was born yesterday? i deked right, head faked my way to the left, and then turned around and bolted up de tham street, running like santa had dropped a load of christmas cheer in his trousers, tossing gum to people and handing it out to the motorbikers that were passing by, then stopped traffic to run across pham ngu lao, and "ho-ho-ho"ed my way up through the park as the kids began giving up on their jolly prey.

we rested on the corner, awaiting santa's sleigh to arrive, but instead settled for a taxi driven not by a red-nosed reindeer, but by some yellow-nosed vietnamese asshole who took us around the corner to restock on candy, but refused to take us downtown where the action was. no matter, we walked to one of the busiest roundabouts, getting more candy along the way, and dave jumped into the sea of motorbikes and handed out candy mostly to children. my version of santa was a little less discriminatory, spreading my holiday generosity to everyone young and old, but mostly to cute girls. either way, everywhere we went we were greeted by people with big smiles who were grateful for a pack of gum, a piece of candy, a mint, or just a boisterous "merry christmas!" (it was especially bizarre for most people because dave, a vietnamese-looking american, often used the english greeting while i translated it to "chuc mung giang sinh!")

this went on until almost 1 when the streets began emptying, so we headed over to billiards coffee club (bill's), my pool hall of choice, to attend their christmas party. but along the way, we passed a club i had never been in and dave suggested it would be a good idea if we tried to get in. i agreed, put my beard back on and crossed the street. i greeted the young lady at the door with that now-familiar vietnamese phrase, one that will forever be ingrained in my mind, and she looked rather bemused at me, and then looked at the security guards who didn't seem to mind, but it was too late anyway because i was already inside handing out candy. i headed upstairs, passing more authority figures who i thought for sure would pick me up by my elastic-waist britches and toss me right the fuck out, but simply stared and smiled at the sociable santa. and then i entered the club.

i wish i were better at estimating so that i could tell you about how many people spun their heads around to see me, santa claus with sunglasses, ong gia noel to the all-vietnamese patrons, moving past tables of twenty-year-olds, with my hands in the air waving'em like i just didn't care, nodding my head and bouncing to the beat, and dancing with the ladies so that you could understand just how crazy this shit was. all i know is that there were 2 floors (the top floor could see the action on the bottom floor where i was), more or less packed, and everyone was staring at me. it was cool while i was gettin down with the ladies but then people started grabbing at me and shit and it got a bit out of hand. that's when a security guard grabbed me by the hand, and i thought i was getting thrown out for sure, but he led me over to a table with a chubby sharp-looking man who i assume was a manager of sorts (dave says mafia, but i doubt that), and then he shook my hand and we may have taken a shot of something together (maybe it was with someone else), before he led me over to a young boy i, once again, assume was his son, to whom i of course gave some candy.

after dispensing with the rest of my minty-flavored goodwill, the security guard reached his hands in my pocket and took out my sunglasses, inviting anyone and everyone to grab whatever they could off me. i took some more shots with people and then got my shit back briefly to dance on what wasn't a proper dance floor, but was central and empty enough for all to see me attempt to boogie to that perennial christmas anthem, jump by house of pain. "i came to get down, i came to get down, so jump out ya seat and jump around, jump around...." my moves were pathetic for sure, but probably because vietnamese people absolutely cannot dance, they seemed to love it. then that same security guard started tearing my santa guise off until i was stripped down to a wife-beater and pants. so i of course cease the silly girations immediately, and just stand there looking up at everyone with both arms raised in the air, that absurd pair of aviators hiding my wildly-beating eyes.

we soon exited, each smiling handshake an unwrapped gift, and once again emerged onto the street, but this time in plain clothes. we walked around the corner to bill's, and when i walked in i was instantly greeted by the owner, kien, whose pool hall i've contributed generously to since i've been here. i handed him a card and a bottle of wine for which he thanked me, and then sincerely startled me when he said that they had been awaiting my arrival. he led me outside where a small table was set up and me, dave, the owner, and 3 of his lovely coworkers and their boyfriends sat, drank brandy, ate sandwiches, and talked (mostly in english despite their limited exposure to the language). it was the perfect chill-out to the preceding night of madness.

after we were all sufficiently wasted, i mentioned how i liked the decorations in the parks and buildings in the downtown area, but hadn't really seen any houses that were decorated. kien suggested we take a ride out to district 8 to check out the scene there. dave had an early morning commitment to attend to so he called it a night, but i hopped on the back of kien's superfast suzuki something-or-other and we, along with 2 other guys and their girlfriends, were there in no time. i was impressed to see all the decorations: bright lights strung all along the street in every color, the nativity scenes, lit-up snowmen, all erected by people who are no better off than most others in this city. it was here that i quietly observed and contemplated the vietnamese christmas spirit and was awe-struck by its different but no less enchanting logic and ashamed of my earlier judgements.

on our way back we stopped at quite possibly the only pho (noodle soup) restaurant open at 4:30 on christmas morning, and chatted some more with these unlikeliest of christmas comrades. i said at one point: "i don't understand why the vietnamese people are so friendly and welcoming to americans like me. we came to your country and fought a terrible war that killed so many of your people and destroyed your land. i don't think americans would forgive so easily." the guy who i had only just met tonight (whose beautiful girlfriend shoots pool with me often at bill's and i'd been praying she was single) replied in a calm and honest tone: "we forget the past because it doesn't matter anymore. my father was killed in the war... but it doesn't matter. we forget and look forward." he raises his glass, and before i can think we clash them with a clink, and then drink each in a dash.

...and so this is christmas.