I'd Shake Your Hand But...

those who know me know that everyday i nominate a new personal hero. the criteria for the accolade are simple: any organism that demonstates a feat of extraordinary character, whether it be sublime, vile, absurd, or anywhere in between, has the potential to be my hero for the day. it's that simple.

ho chi minh led the northern vietnamese communists to victory over the south which was backed by the world's most powerful military at the time. what an incredible achievement. if i had been alive at the time i'd have declared him a hero for sure. but i wasn't so he's not.

yesterday, my motorbike driver risked both my life and his own, weaving in and out of traffic while cursing at anyone who got in his way, just so he could get me to the restaurant on time. i don't care that he ended up getting lost, and we got there late, and he wanted more money than we agreed upon: he was a hero. oh yeah, and i think he was drunk, which probably makes him a superhero.

despite exploiting the al-qaeda attacks on september 11th to wage a war against a country that had never and could never attack us, abandoning key allies in the process; and despite spending more money than any president ever in a single term on such superfluous programs as the perpetually impotent 'missile defense,' and tax cuts for the world's largest and most profitable corporations, all the while losing more jobs than any president since the great depression; on november 2, george w. bush managed to win re-election and also managed to become my hero for the day.

so today, as with all days, i have found a new hero. it's the 40-year-old vietnamese man sitting right next to me. earlier i had prematurely declared a hippo i saw on the national geographic channel my hero for chasing the other male hippos around and biting them in the ass in order to assert his dominance. that hippo was certainly inspirational, but he wasn't looking at porn in the middle of an internet cafe populated by about half a dozen men and women, which is not only inspirational but an extraordinary accomplishment in unabashed public smut-viewing. and this guy doesn't even care that i'm looking over his shoulder to catch a glimpse of some of the hot asian pussy he's got loaded on his screen. god bless this man for being a true hero.