An Amusing Confusion from Boozing Illusions

our first stop was a bia hoi, a popular spot to be in vietnam, particularly in hanoi. i have no idea what hoi means, but i know that bia is really the functional word here. i can't remember what you call it in english, but it's like a grating, grainy-tasting golden water with a layer of foam on top that tickles your upper lip when you tilt the glass and pour the curious concoction into your mouth. there, a billion bubbles burst on your tongue, stinging the taste buds and forcing you to swallow these intoxicated-state-inducing toxic waste suds – an enchanting experience that is at first intriguing, soon exhilarating, but eventually nauseating… until one becomes thirsty for another frosty, frothy glass and, at about a quarter a pop at these places, who can afford self-restraint?

not me, that's fo' goddamn sure. so a couple dollars later i hobbled outside where i wobbled awaiting the others. the street was wet, lit in colorful spurts of impressionist gleams and glistens. it was quiet aside from some cheery chatter and the dreary splatter from cars near and far tearing water from the street as they sped spitting by. a sigh revealed the cold, bare body of the air in front of me which promptly redressed and smacked me across the face for being so fresh – an incessant backhand that offhand actually left me refreshed. there was something familiar about all this and then i recognized it: i had been transported back to the brisk, bitter streets of new york from nearly a year before, which instantly gave me a distant adoration for this temporary habitation.

the manifestations of en why sea continued when, after a short cab ride, i found myself on a lame-ass boat blasting some kind of house music, or maybe it was a house-boat blasting lame-ass music. whatever it was, it was a cheap imitation of the floating labyrinth bumpin on the hudson, but a welcome reminder of those times, and within minutes of boarding it i welcomed yet another reminder with a casual 5-finger hug when someone returned from the bar with a glass of carlsberg for me, which i sipped and guzzled between giggles and chuckles, chilling with friends filling me in and waitresses filling me up again. something else reminded me of home too – white people, specifically, of the young hot female variety which was most unexpected because most, if not all, of the expat clubs i know in saigon are either frequented by an older crowd, or have been infiltrated by too many hookers who repel foreign girls as if they were an education. [ed: ohhhh! take that, all you blog-reading english-speaking asian whores!]

i spotted one girl there, apparently diggin my style from afar, that could have been either or – by that i mean she looked like a chink which, given the circumstances, placed her in prostitute territory, but dressed and carried herself like a typical white chick. and by "carried herself," i mean doing her best imitation of someone with dignity while lazily swaying and leaning against whatever she could so that her drunk ass didn't fall over. but, to be honest, i'm not really sure because at around that time, i was devoting an inordinate amount of my brain's resources to making sure my mouth emitted some minimal level of intelligible sounds, a wasted effort as i was about to fi–

"excuse me. did you say something about chinks?"
i turned mid-sentence and it was her.
"what?"
"you said something about chinks."
"chinks?! no...?"
"no, chinks."
"yeah i know, but i din't say anything about chinks!"
"not chinks! CHINKS!"
"NO I… listen, i doh-no what yuh talking about, but i really din't say anything about chinks. ok?"
she looked confused which made me even more confused, so i "huhhed" the kind of "huh" that obviously means "what the hell is the matter with this drunk bitch?" to a few of my friends who were all standing around looking at me incredulously. "CHICKS you idiot!"
"ohhhhh…" turning back to her, "no, i dun thing so. why?"

from the 10 minute or so conversation that followed i discovered that one, she wasn't an asian professional, just some amateur american slut, and two, she was even drunker than i'd thought. how embarrassing for her.