Phuong Me Once, Shame On You. Phuong Me Again... Please?

phuong {v.}
1. to fuck over
ex: i'ma phuong that stupid bitch.
2. to fuck, especially over and over again
ex: i wanna phuong that bitch stupid.

she fucked me over not once, but twice. i'd like to say that it was my fault i let it happen again, as i don't harbor any delusions about how she managed to phuong me even better than she had the first time (christmas present and a 2 week hiatus compared to an L-bomb and over 3 weeks MIA), but i think that's giving me too much credit. she's a professional phuonger with impeccable technique and deadly efficiency. i had no idea what i was getting into - i was just lookin for someone i could phuong with no emotional baggage, y'know? i mean shit, i'm only human. ok, fine... i was asking for it.

To be honest, the distance didn't bother me all that much at the time for two reasons: one, i was mad busy the following two weeks, both with work and looking for / seeing other girls. and two, on top of the usual communication issues, i knew she had lost her phone so of course it would be more difficult arranging dates and whatnot. then, once she finally (claimed she?) got a new phone, i left just a few days later for hanoi which extended the void into nearly 4 weeks.

it was a cold void for sure, but one in which i couldn't avoid calling her friends a few times to get in touch with her and stopping by the shoe store twice to try and figure out exactly what her deal was. pitiful? mahhh, you don't know what it's like out here. despite my search for phuongable replacements, i've simply been unable to find a girl as ummmm loose as her. and remember, by loose, i mean first base... well that and sexual innuendo that would make most american girls cringe at her unnuanced naivete, but many vietnamese girls balk at her carnal curiosity. i knew she was my best shot at a phuong, so i couldn't give up on her.

oh and in that time she phuonged me alright. she phuonged me good. as if her utter lack of effort to contact me by phone or otherwise, such as stopping by the house she was at almost everyday the 2 weeks prior, wasn't a loud enough slap across the face, she then proceeded to employ a wicked campaign of terrorist threats in which she said she'd come over, even promise me repeatedly that she'd come, and just never show up - about 4 different times, including valentine's day. by then i had received quite an assortment of shit-flavored excuses covered in cheap chocolate lies, but you know what? when you're hungry, you eat feces and pretend it's godiva.

so at some point, my appetite for vengeance had surpassed even the incessant cravings of my crotch, and i vowed to phuong her in the worst possible way, in whatever way i could. suggestions included asking her to meet me somewhere and then not showing up, and having dave translate a barrage of disses. of course i laughed these off and told linda that she doesn't know her ass from her elbow when it comes to revenge. i tried thinking of a way i could contract chicken flu, pass it onto her, get better, and then watch as she cock-a-doodle-dies an excruciating death. so i started eating chicken everyday.

but i've since discovered the nastiest way i could possibly phuong her, and it might even be too mat for me. check it tomorrow...