Dear Mat,
i'm sorry. please, don't hate me. i know you think i'm 'a lazy, free-loading, good-for-nothing mexican,' but i just want you to know that you hurt my feelings when you say that. yes, i do have emotions... what do you think only lefty over there cries? i feel pain too, you know. just because i'm not as responsible as left-eye, or as good at seeing, or have as nice of eyelashes, or be named after a dead rapping arsonist doesn't mean i'm any less worthy of your love.
we've shared so much together. remember when we were little, and i was first diagnosed as being clinically lazy, and i had to go under the knife for you? i was so scared but i did it for you. and then remember how much fun we had pretending to be a pirate when you had to wear that patch over left-eye to make me stronger? "arrrgh matey!! i've got the eye scurvy!! arrrrgggh..." remember? and there was the time when i got hit with a soccer ball and i didn't cry like that bitch lefty would have. i made you look like a man that day... i made you a man! and when sal poked me with hot sauce i only cried a little, and that was only because it was really spicy. do you remember? you asked the waiter for the hottest wings they could make. you know left-eye would have been crying for his mommy. he's such a pussy, i hate him.
you know i'm good to you baby. it's just that whenever i get a little alcohol in me... i don't know, it just makes me crazy. i can't help it; it's not my fault. i just get so tired. i work all day long for you... every single day! sometimes i just need to kick back and relax, you know? i can't be perfect all the time. i know you complain about not being able to drink as much as you could because you have to worry about me sleeping on the job, and embarrassing you. but i just want you to know that i try really hard, even when i'm drunk. i mean have you ever thought about maybe not drinking as much?
oh yeah, and it bothers me when you tell me to 'shut up' because you know i can't defend myself, except by writing blog entries on your website. why can't you just be thankful you have me? how would you feel if you only had one eye, huh? think you could handle being called 'cyclops' wherever you went, huh? and having no depth perception, constantly poking your chin or your upper lip with a forkful of food everytime you eat. would you like that huh? or it could be worse, i could be one of those wandering eyes, like phil cilella's. remember him? he looked so stupid, and it was because he had one eye that refused to stay put. i may be lazy but at least i'm not a wandering retard. i just have motivation issues, and i swear i'll try to try harder.
so i just want to say i'm sorry and ask for your forgiveness for my 'condition.' i love you always.
see you in the mirror,
your lazy, but loyal, right eye
posted by mat @ 1:04 PM
4 Comments:
dear matt,
it's me, you know russell [the love muscle] aka dong [za ruv gong] (that's my vietnam moniker). you've paid way too much attention to me since you've been over here in vietnam. seriously dude, you need to go stick me in some hot vietnamese hooker. maybe those 'beat it' girls...they could 'beat' me...heheheh; or maybe motorcycle ninja babe, she really makes me stand up and pay attention. or maybe do one of those cambodian mystery boxes where you don't know what's in 'em, just as long as it's not a monkey or something that's gonna rip me off.
you've been paying so much attention to me over the years that i've gone and screwed up that smart-alec right-eye, given him a bout of paralysis.
we've had some fun together though, right? like the time you got me stuck in those rubber bands and you got all worried that they'd have to cut me off. i couldn't breathe for a few seconds, but you got them off, and got me off too in the process.
and the time that you thought it'd be funny to slap me on big matt's steering wheel when no one was looking. i think he knows somehow that you did it, but doesn't have any proof.
oh well, just figured since that scallywag right eye of yours wrote you a letter, I could also.
-- russell
well mat, this is your anus
I just wana tank you for never wiping me... I think it's awesome that I have brown crust from when you took a poop after your 8th LYSA soccer game. I remember you got real excited because that was the first time you scored a goal. I always knew that clubbed footy of yours would come in handy one day. I also think it's cool that you have a huge fear of me; I mean all I'm asking for is a little wipey here and a little wipey there- preferably with some Angel Soft. Angel soft has great softness.
I think you should stop trying to put foreign objects in me; especially the ones that look like the thingy between your legs. That shrill of a skin that looks like a pencil. It really hurts- well not as bad when you put that slippery stuff on me- that's crazy fun. Makes me giggle a little.
I think next time you have to poop, you should take me to Kohls- I heard they have EXTRA soft toilet paper there. Well I still think you're the best, minus the stentch and uncleanliness.
Fondly,
your anus
P . S . Stop eating gassy foods- I HATE when I have to release and "fart" They always leave a bad taste on my mouth. OK THANKS MAT.
ok these posts from my own body parts are starting to weird me out, and i don't know if that means i should ban anonymous posting or encourage it... because i think it's important to get feedback from my penis and anus. and after a brief moment of consideration, i guess it makes sense that they don't have as good of spelling as my right eye.
in the future i hope to hear from my liver and hair.
oh and that comment wasn't supposed to sound sarcastic. i mean it, i really would like to know what my various organs and appendages think of me.
Post a Comment
<< Home