A Sock Fucking Pedant

there was a reason why i never wore sandals, and it's not what i'd thought. as anyone who has heard my speech about 'the tactile pleasures in putting on a taut brand new pair of cotton socks, preferably after a hot shower...' will attest to, i like socks. i really do. the first time i heard cromie blurt out the phrase 'fucksocks,' i thought it was the most offensive thing i've ever heard in my life. "you'd have to be outta your mind to say 'fucksocks' you crazy bastard." i mean i like most anything offensive, but even i couldn't bring myself to adopt this vile phrase.

so this whole time i thought the reason i was never a sandals person was because my love for socks was too strong, but i was wrong.

here, it's just not practical to wear socks. for one, you're expected to remove your shoes if you enter someone's home. walking around someone's house in socks just looks retarded when everyone else is barefoot, and even worse, the socks become defiled. plus i'm lazy and don't like to tie shoe laces.

also the laundromats here suck. the first time i did laundry my socks came back looking sickly, as if they had emphysema. it was sad and i mourned their lost elasticity.

but the main reason is that every day is really hot and humid, every single one. and hot and humid are socks' two greatest adversaries. together, they make wearing socks uncomfortable... uncomfortable! could you even imagine? it's insane, but true. wearing socks here just doesn't bring the same rush of pedal ecstasy as wearing socks back home. it's fucking crazy.

and of course you can't buy socks here. well you can, but they're not the same. they're cheap disgraceful slut socks not worthy of my feet.

so what? so that means i have to do what everyone else does and wear sandals. and that means no more taut socks and now i have to say 'fucksocks' and mean it. it's horrible.

but the worst part about it is finding out the real reason why i never wore sandals: my feet look ridiculous. they're different sizes and the sandals make that difference obvious. the toes on my right foot barely peek out past the strap while my left foot looks normal. i'm afraid my students will think their teacher's an invalid. so i need to find out how to say "don't worry, i'm just a sock fucking agent orange baby" in vietnamese and i'm sure they'll understand.