Abortion Is NOT a Victimless Crime

sometimes people ask me if i've ever killed a baby. "no," i always say. "that's fucking barbaric and i would never do that." but i do know this girl who killed a baby once. and it was my baby!

so a few weeks after i do this girl (responds to "foooo-ng", also "honey" and "ching chong whheee hhoooo AAAYYYYY!!!") she says to me, "i don't kotex long time." so of course i'm like: "huh?" and she repeats, "i don't kotex. i'm worry." so i say, "ok ok relax. i'll buy you more kotex, but geez don't cry about it. you look like you're about to cry. why are you crying? what, you need it right now?" and she responds, "NO! i think uhh... i have baby." at that moment, no words existed in the entire lexicon of human language to express how i felt. so i gently raped the delicate silence with a barely audible "no way." but the next day she went to the doctor and he confirmed what i've always kinda suspected: my jizz really is magical. and yes, mat anh nguyen-lorusso was indeed conceived from a hate fuck.

my first thought was: "wow. i'm actually fertile!?" i thought my penchant for rubbing my balls on the tv screen every time i saw christina aguilera had totally schiavoed my boys. thank god i was wrong about that. "atta boy!" i thought. sperm number 8859237409291 made it and you know what? i was fucking proud of'em. i felt like sticking my hand up there, wrapping my finger around the little zygote and slapping him hard on his undifferentiated clump of cells of an ass, but she was wearing pants.

yeah i was already shedding my old deadbeat dickhead attitude and taking on my new role as a dickbeating dadhead. but then she was all "bla bla bla i'm too young this and bla bla bla my mother kill me that and bla no money bla bla bla blatt, and asked if it was ok to kill it. to kill my baby boy! who the hell did she think she was? god!? ummm yeah, last i checked god wasn't a 22-year-old vietnamese chick having sex with me. i mean what right does she have going off and killing babies all willy-nilly like some kind of modern day genghis khan or fucking stem-cell researcher? ok so it's inside her. so what? so was i and i'll be damned if she tries killing me!

and then she showed me the sonogram of the 5 - 8 week-old fetus which i've taken the liberty of scanning and now present to the world for all to see.



he was beautiful: predominantly vietnamese features including yellow skin (though you can't tell because this is a black and white photo) and slit-like slanty little eyes, but blessed with some of his father's trademark characteristics: a football-shaped head complete with easy to grip hair for our carrying convenience; a cool, highly distinctive bump in his nose that will no doubt be all the rage since michael jackson's pervertedly puny proboscis has thoroughly disgusted mankind of late (the squished, flared nostrils he gets from his mother); the clinical term for his left eye is "lazy" but i think it's just a phase, like when all you wanna do is stare at the side of your nose all the time while someone else does all the work looking at stuff (maybe he just needs something more interesting to look at than a placenta); while most 5 week-olds don't even have heads yet, as you can see, our special little guy is already sprouting a lucky tooth of his own, just like mom and pop (hell, maybe we'll combine our secret nicknames for each other and call our boy snaggle-puss... it's short for pussy); and then there's that awesome club foot that'll make him a natural at golfing. can anyone say "hole in one?!"

i was overwhelmed with the potential of this thing. we could enter him in baby beauty contests and baby golfing tournaments. or maybe he could be the spokesbaby for the antiabortion movement. and if none of that worked out we could offer him up for one of those baby eating competitions. for a price of course. fuck, we could have more kick-ass babies and i wouldn't have to work another day in my life. and when the boy's old enough to walk i'll never have to mow the lawn or get up to go to the bathroom ever again. "this is the best thing that's ever happened to me," i thought. and to top it all off, he's got a 100% certified giant american penis. lord knows how that happened!

and then it dawned on me. how did that happen? there's no way i'd have believed his sluthole mother if it weren't for all the striking similarities in that sonogram. but when i looked closer at it, i realized that his "giant penis" was neither giant nor a penis, but actually a smaller conjoined twin with no arms or legs and a disarmingly pleasant disposition. as i later learned or made up, the twin was the result of exposure to agent orange, though, oddly enough, what was there of the fractionally formed quasifetus was 100% american... and gay, taking over poor mat anh organ by organ beginning with his penis.

it was horrible. so i gave her about $70 which she used to pay the doctor for his services and to purchase baby killing juice. she swallowed the anti-mat anh elixir in one gulp just as she had swallowed so many wannabe mat anhs (i'm lying, she doesn't really like to swallow). and that's the story of how phuong killed my baby.



R.I.P. Mat Anh Nguyen-Lorusso
(from either march 10 or april 2 to sometime in early may...
i can't really remember)