Canada, Japan, China, Heaven, and Global Domination

FLASH NEWS BULLETIN EMERGENCY SPECIAL REPORT: PLANE CRASHES AND IT'S REALLY BORING



so i was up and flying over to japan and my plane ends up crashing in canada. the good news is i survived but the bad news is so did everyone else. how boring is that? and while everyone was bla-bla-blaing about miracle this and canada's so great that i pretty much just walked away and caught the next flight. didn't even call home or nothing. man, in my day, planes used to crash right into people's faces while they were getting some coffee. and would continue smashing straight through the building and end up in the colon of some dude who's seriously having the worst diarrhea of his life and doesn't even know it until his anus is ripped open by the nose of a 747. now that's a plane crash. not this "oh yeah, by the way, my plane missed the runway and blew up about a minute after i got off it" bullcrap. get a life. and when you do, go die in a real plane crash, loser.

anyway so where was i? oh yeah, japan. the extreme boredom from no one dying in a pussy ass plane crash really took it's toll on me so i passed out as soon as i got to my hotel room, then woke up at like 3 in the morning. wide awake, i naturally got up and looked for some beer, but absolutely everything in the hotel was closed. and i mean everything. i couldn't even find a used panties dispenser, or animatronic sex girl, or robot tentacles with which to rape a real one. and this was japan!!!

i realized i'd made a serious blunder in pooping out early, so i returned to my room and looked for some reading material. earlier i'd picked up a copy of the economist, mostly as a joke that only i would get and no one would ever laugh at (including me) but also because it said on the cover that china was about to "enslave the human race" (their impliction, my quotes). i read it, understood 100% of the words with one syllable (except "yuan", "peg", "yield", "bond", "rate", etc.), and didn't believe a god damn word of it. i mean, i understood the fact that oil prices are high because chinese people just figured out that it's much easier to pick up chicks while driving a car than riding a bicycle. and i even understood the fact that they had like 700 billion dollars to blow on pretty much anything they want. and although you can't buy the entire human race with that, definitely africa. easy. even south africa with all those expensive-ass white folk.

but what i refused to believe was that china could ever ever own america (i mean it's not like the u.s. has a massive debt or anything)... untilllll i picked up a copy of the new testament and started reading some of that. and wow, that is some fucked up shit. i think the only people who ever wonder why americans are the way they are - assholes, mostly - are those who have never read the most influential book in american history: the bible, or as i call it, "oh pfffff!!! you read that?!". to be fair, most americans probably have not read it, but more have certainly been exposed to its teachings or otherwise morally influenced by it than in any other developed country. in that same issue of the economist i read that over half of all americans believe that man and apes do not have a common ancestor. that is to say, they believe god (protagonist/antagonist/total dick of the "oh pfffff you read that?! trilogy) not natural selection, is responsible for producing humans, the universe's most magnificent and profoundly special being**.

so as you can plainly see, all americans are idiots except the ones who aren't (you know who you are) and i give the bible an F - - - (triple minus, not a 4-letter word). so while i don't believe that china will enslave the human race (god, with jesus as his man-servant and mohammed as his sexually repressed sex slave, beat them to it), i do believe that one day a whole bunch of chinese people will invade our country and while everyone's home reading their own version of the bible a whole bunch of them will replace the mcdonald's logo with a hammer and sickel but nobody will notice because the colors are the same and the cheeseburgers still have cheese.




**as long as you accept jesus christ``' as your lord and savior cause if you don't, jesus is leaving your sorry ass behind when the bus to eternal bliss rolls on by. and you're missing out cause it's filled with virgins, bro. virgins!! (matthew: chapter 24-25, no seriously...)

``'just replace "mohammed," or "optimus prime," or "star of david" or "gargamel" with jesus if you so please.