False Appetizing

add fallopian to the list of tubes i've eaten. it's a pretty short list admittedly; the only other kind i've had is a philly tube jesus from crif dog's in nyc, an exquisitely prepared dish of boiled processed meat in the form of an american 'hot dog', melted cheese, and sauteed onions (and don't forget the jalapeno peppers!) on a fresh squishy bun. it is divine, but fallopian is utopian.

i ordered it because it was the most bizarre item available at this particular restaurant, and my friend was leaving for hanoi the next day so i figured it would be something like my version of a going away present. it was officially listed as 'crusty fried fallopian tube' under the appetizer section of the menu. the waitress soon brought out a dish full of fried tube, and when i bit into the first one i understood why it was described as 'crusty,' and not 'crunchy,' or 'crumby,' or 'yummy.' but i couldn't understand how this could be considered an appetizer, as i found my appetite diminishing with every crusty chew of each chewy tube.

i found out about halfway through the dish that the tube and pieces of tube i were eating belonged to the fallopia of a pig. at the time my reaction was mostly indifferent. the waitress could have told me it belonged to my own mother and i still wouldn't have cared because i was hungry. i think the only thing that could have stopped me from finishing my food would have been if i was told she was menstruating; the waitress, my mother, or my food, either one... because that's disgusting, even to me.

i don't really know why i like to eat weird shit. perhaps it's because growing up my family ate the same 6 dishes every week (one day for left-overs/wild card), and none were even remotely exotic, except to a penguin maybe, and i'm sure even a penguin would get pretty god damn sick of 'pork chop tuesdays' by the end of the first month. and i wouldn't be surprised if in seeking variety that penguin eventually became addicted to fast food because there's more variety in a 6-pack of chicken nuggets than an entire week of the food i grew up on. well maybe not since mcdonald's began making chicken nuggets only from chickens.

i eat weird shit, and i think it's because i find it exciting. as long as the odor of the food doesn't make me want to vomit (digestive tract shit), then i'll put it in my mouth and chew it and swallow it. like maybe this animal's organ will be delicious, or maybe it will actually make me vomit. who knows? i don't know. that's high stakes dining. the only form of dining with a greater risk is trying to eat waffles while sky diving, a fool's game if you ask me.

anyway, so the meal was adequate though definitely not appetizing, as i finished the whole plate, except the pieces carrie, simmie, and patrick wanted to try. the problem actually was the rice. as i was digging through my bowl of rice i discovered a bottle cap at the bottom, like the prize in a cracker jack box. see i'm usually really excited about finding prizes in my food but, maybe since i'm older now, i found this prize extremely disappointing. or maybe it's just because there's only so much enjoyment you can get out of spinning a bottle cap or flinging it at someone. either way, this was the worst prize ever and i didn't even ask for it. i ordered the 'plain rice' and this certainly wasn't plain. it's false advertising for sure. i could even understand if i had ordered 'fried rice' and maybe they thought i said 'prize rice.' that would make sense, but this? i can't even eat this.