Yeah, Thanks... Thanks For Nothing

in recognition of thanksgiving, i've compiled a list of people i'd like to give thanks.

mom: thanks for giving birth to me.
dad: thanks for giving mom's vagina a deposit of your semen so that your sperm could travel up into her uterus and unite with her egg, and then 9 months later she could give birth to me, a crude, deformed, sticky combination of yours and mom's sex juice.
ange: thanks for giving me high academic expectations all throughout school.
cass: thanks for giving me pepper in the form of a spray aimed at my face.
grandma: thanks for giving 'crazy' a definition.
grandpa: thanks for giving grandma a disapproving look and then yelling at her whenever she starts that crazy talk.
nanny: thanks for giving me a reason to explain to my friends that you're not actually my nanny, but that's just what we call grandmothers who request to be called 'nanny.'
uncle chris: thanks for giving me that gun, so i could keep myself busy trying to shoot that empty beer can while you were shit-faced.
gwen and her family: thanks for giving the lorusso family at least one group of relatives who aren't complete wackos.
tyrell braunskill: thanks for giving me a reason to never make generalizations about people of different races and religions when you befriended me in elementary school.
tyrell braunskill: thanks for giving me a renewed passion for stereotypes when you dropped out of high school, probably to work at kfc.
chip: thanks for giving me a reason to hate jews.
mike butcher: thanks for giving me a reason to never have children.
ken: thanks for giving ralph that purple-nurple that, according to legend, purpled his nurple so bad it made him cry.
kristen: thanks for giving jasper way too much to eat, because he's the fattest bea-
jasper: thanks for being the fattest beagle i've ever seen.
clay: thanks for giving me a scoop of chewing tobacco so that i could be a man.
kim: thanks for giving me permission to vomit violently into your toilet after i became a man.
sal: thanks for giving me the super soaker at clay and kim's so i could shoot blatt.
blatt: thanks for giving the concrete your two front teeth trying to escape the wrath of my water gun... oh and for giving me your car, at first just for the weekend, but then forever.
stellach: thanks for giving me a better stick to dislodge the burning leaves from the drivetrain of the other car i set ablaze.
adina: thanks for giving me the worst haircut of all time.
phil cilella: as someone with one fucked up eye, thanks for giving me an extremely obscure reference.
left eye: thanks for giving me sight.
right eye: thanks for giving me insecurities, you lazy motherfucker.
racquel: thanks for giving me a severe complex about dating girls when we were in junior high.
steiding: thanks for giving brian stahl a severe complex about being a fat loser for the rest of his life.
devon: thanks for giving me my first high.
reiss: thanks for giving me more highs than i could ever possibly remember.
couch: just thanks.
ariel: thanks for giving your shit to your pants.
jael: thanks for giving me dinner and cleaning the dishes all the time, bitch.
mikey: thanks for giving the streets of new york a golden shower from the 10th floor of our dorm.
cromie: thanks for giving up because i was right and you were wrong.
kelly: thanks for giving as little effort as possible to learn italian, and inspiring me to do the same.
chanon: thanks for giving the world a fancier way to spell 'shannon.'
alison: thanks for giving me a reason to go to vietnam.
carrie: thanks for giving that really nice vietnamese guy a wrong number when he asked you for yours, and then looking so uncomfortable when he tried calling it right away.
vietnamese guy who carrie gave a wrong number to: thanks for giving us a round of beer before carrie made you look like an ass in front of all your friends.
mike: thanks for giving us your knowledge of what's good in this city.
sam: thanks for giving us your bizarre impressions of american culture, and then doing brilliant impressions of americans.
minty: thanks for giving waiters here a look of utter disbelief when you ask for food and they just stare at you with a blank expression on their face.
smelly vietnamese guy who fixed my camera: thanks for giving me back a camera that works, so that now i can take photos of motorcycle ninja babes.
motorcycle ninja babes: thanks for giving me an erection.
god: your welcome.